10 Things I Cannot Stand About My Grandmother
by Zoe Heidorn

1) HOW SHE WEARS NYLONS WITH FLOODING PANTS AND PLASTIC BAGS ON HER HEAD IN THE RAIN.

2) HOW ALL SHE GIVES US FOR BIRTHDAYS AND CHRISTMAS ARE PENS AND REFRIGERATOR MAGNETS FROM CONVENTIONS AND GARAGE SALES. “Oh, thanks.” “I found these for a nickel each, hon.”

3) HOW, THROUGH LEFTOVERS, SHE CAN FEED A FAMILY OF 29 FOR A WEEK ON ONE MEAL. “What are we having for dinner?” “Leftovers from last night which were leftovers from the last night which were leftovers from the last night which were…”

4) HOW SHE FREEZES ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING FREEZIBLE IN ONE OF THOSE JUMBO FREEZERS.

5) HOW SHE ATTEMPTS TO CURE SICKNESS THROUGH VINEGAR AND WATER AND HER STRANGE VOODOO PRACTICES.

6) HOW SHE ALWAYS GIVES US THOSE OLD PEPPERMINTS. “Take some, children. EAT!” “Oh. Please, NO! NO!”

7) HOW EVERYTHING SHE OWNS WAS PURCHASED AT A GARAGE SALE.

8) HOW SHE’S CONVINCED THE METAL BARS SHE PUTS IN HER FRIDGE REMOVE TOXINS.

9) HOW SHE PUTS TAPE ALL OVER HER LUGGAGE.

10) THAT CLEAR BOWL OF SMELLY WAX CRANBERRIES ON HER TABLE THAT MELT AND GET STUCK TOGETHER IN THE SUMMER. “Don’t eat those, hon.”

NOTE: Despite all I have said about my grandmother, she is a nice and somewhat normal person.