Child Survivors of Suicide: Answering the Hard Questions

Marsha Norton, Ph.D. and Tiffany Reed

Baton Rouge Crisis Intervention Center

4837 Revere Ave.

Baton Rouge, LA 70808

mnorton@brcic.org

Why do people kill themselves? Do you have to be crazy to kill yourself? Do people who kill themselves go to hell? Is it my fault? Could I have stopped it? Am I going to die? How about the rest of my family? I can't stop thinking about the suicide. How can I get it out of my head? How do I tell my friends what happened? I'm embarrassed to tell people the whole truth. What if I don't want to talk about it and other people keep bringing it up? Is there such a thing as a ghost? What do I do when grown-ups cry?

Each of these questions is very complex and there is no one perfect answer for any of them. Each family's situation is different and each child is unique. The answers we will discuss in our presentation will open channels of communication and serve as a beginning point for further discussion. As a general rule, it is best to only give children the specific information they are asking for and provide further details later, as the child requests them. However, it is sometimes difficult to know how much information is too much and still deal with the issues thoroughly enough to put the child's mind at ease

Our presentation will address the most common problems in helping children talk about suicide. There is a tendency for family members, friends, and professionals to make one of two errors. First, adults may unintentionally overwhelm children with too much information. This often occurs when caregivers try very hard to address everything they think the child may be wondering about. Adults often answer questions that haven't yet even occurred to the children. Secondly, the needs of children are often left unmet when adults feel an overwhelming desire to protect the children. Frequently, children are believed to be too young to be told the truth about suicide.

Much of a child's perception of life and death is based on the manner in which adults respond to their questions. This presentation will give participants the insight necessary for successful dialogs with children who have lost a loved one to suicide. Understanding children's ideas about death at each level of development and examining our own discomfort in discussing painful topics with children will give participants the tools they need to answer hard questions.

In our presentation, we will also discuss some of the reasons it is difficult for children to speak freely about their experience. 1) Children are often encouraged to "be quiet" or "sit still," especially during times that are difficult. 2) Children soon realize that their expression of fear or grief causes discomfort in their caretaker. It is then easier for the child to shut down, than to frighten or upset the adult they depend on. 3) A child's words and affect often do not accurately represent the intensity of their feelings. As a result, they are not taken as seriously as they should be. (i.e. They don't "seem" that upset). 4) Children do not have sufficient command of the language to tell about their experience. They often need art supplies, appropriate toys, pictures or books to aid in their self expression.

We want the participants of our session to gain first hand knowledge of the issues faced by child survivors of suicide, learn how to answer children's questions and open lasting channels of communication.

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