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Eleanora "Betsy" Ross
Ray of Hope, Inc.
P. O. Box 2323
Iowa City, Iowa 52244
Over six million people in America today are after-suicide survivors. Experts claim that upwards of 60,000 Americans die annually by suicide, which drastically affects the lives of at least ten persons per death-over 600,000 new survivors each year. These survivors form a neglected and isolated group with individual problems and collective needs marking them as a major social problem of near epidemic proportions. According to Dr. Edwin Schneider, the surviving families and communities "inherit a legacy of suicide."
I inherited that legacy on the morning of August 20, 1975 when my husband placed agun behind his ear and blew off the back of his head. Bill's years of despair and depression had just ended; my years of grief and agony had just begun.
There are unique aspects relating both to death by suicide and after-suicide grief which differ significantly from non-suicide death and bereavement experiences, and which-if left unresolved-can often lead to alienation, family dissension, illness, shame, and even another suicide. The stress from social stigma and misconceptions begins immediately to interfere with healthy constructive grieving.
Suicide vs. Non-Suicide Death
Suicide is the only form of death which is on purpose-deliberate and we forever question "why?" But, there are never any real answers or explanation; only speculations. Spontaneous grief reactions of survivors must be held in check while investigators determine that it was not a murder. The family feels "under suspicion" and becomes wary about what they say. Their privacy is invaded by officials, the media, and curiosity seekers. Those who find the body or witness the death become involved against their will land may feel accountable. Decisions must be made: what to tell relatives? the children? newspapers? Should we see the body before it's prepared? A private or hurried service? (A decision that invites rather than avoids speculation and questions?) Insurance may not pay; judgement and moralizing begins (right-wrong-sin-crime-crazy); shame, silence and covering up begins. Denial and delayed grief begins
Suicide vs. Non-Suicide Grief
Even when suicide has been threatened or attempted, survivors feel disbelief and betrayal or robbed of the chance to say good-bye or repair relationships. Anger, guilt, sadness, puzzlement, understanding, denial, blame (of self/victim/others) blend into one scrambled monstrous emotion. We've all lost loved ones and been to funerals; we know the routine. Suicide survivors have no such formal guidelines. Other people may focus more on the suicide then the survivors. Survivors sense they are the objects of gossip and criticism and they may be right. They search for one or more years for answers that never are found. But, that search us absolutely necessary for healing because it aids in restoring self worth to both the bereaved and the deceased. Survivors are haunted by memories and may experience post traumatic stress; they may "feel the pain" of the deceased and fantasize their own suicide, thereby perpetuating the legacy of being destined for suicide.
Healing Grief Work After A Suicide
Healing can also begin immediately. Spend time alone with the body, put notes in the casket, have an appreciation table; leave attendees with the sense that this was a special person, not just "a suicide." Give yourself, others and children permission to express emotions. Seek support groups or counseling early. Talk with people who are empathic and trustworthy and let them help. Listen to your body and reserve energy. Grief hurts; healing works. Express anger; kick a box, stomp on the grave, or work with survivors. Expect the scaries: confusion, fatigue, forgetfulness, etc. Put together a living memory book as a family project. Think up rituals for death day anniversary, special holidays. Scream, cuss, cry. Suicide is not funny but laughter is the same sort of release as tears. Seek spiritual understanding for strength and solace. And forgive others, yourself, the victim. Freedom from the burden of unforgiveness is the greatest gift one can give oneself.
The term "postvention" relates to the use of education, counseling and support groups to aid survivors with healing experiences and insights, thereby making it another form of prevention, may a year or a generation in advance. Such concern is not a morbid preoccupation with death but rather a celebration of life.