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Stephanie Weber, M.S., LCPC,
Exec. Dir., Suicide Prevention Services, Inc.
528 S. Batavia Ave., Batavia, IL 60510
A death by suicide is the most traumatic death in our society. Survivors have undergone not only the death of a friend or relative but in addition must cope with the stress of knowing that the death was self-inflicted. The pain of the deceased is transferred to the shoulders of those left behind. Not only do survivors experience the "normal" stages of grief: shock, anger, denial, bargaining, and resolution, they also are often ashamed and embarrassed by the manor of death. The anger and guilt can become overwhelming. Survivors tend to believe that there was something they could have done to "save" the deceased even if they had no clues ahead of time that their loved one was contemplating suicide. It puts them in a God-like position of knowing all. This anger can be directed outward towards clergy policemen, friends, and family as well as inward toward themselves. The survivor needs the comfort and support of the community and that is accomplished by having a wake and funeral. Too often, because of the stigma of suicide, a survivor's first inclination is to hold a memorial service as soon as possible. The reality is that, just like any other death, a survivor needs the presence of the body and the comfort of family and friends to help them begin the grief process. Survivors can benefit from participating in a support group specific to those who have lost a loved one to suicide. The presenter founded and continues to facilitate a monthly support group for survivors (founded in 1982). This self-help support group believes that healing and resolution comes through the support and strength of others who have been there. Survivors may also benefit from individual and/or family counseling but this is not usually a suggested first step. The monthly SOS group also has an outreach team that, upon request, will go to the home of the survivor. One of the team members will have had the same relational loss as the survivor. This helps to normalize the death by suicide and lets survivors know that they are not alone. Families need to learn that each family member grieves differently and at his/her own pace. The divorce rate for parents after the suicide of their child is high. They blame each other, often not verbally, and this drives them further apart. Survivors also learn that grief is self-limiting. As long as a survivor works on his grief (which means, among other things, dealing with feelings as they arise) the grief process eventually resolves itself. Do survivors ever "get over" the loss? A definite "no" just as no one ever "gets over" the death of someone they love. They learn to adapt to the environment where their loved one no longer is alive. They learn to accept the death and move back toward life while always missing and loving the deceased. The initial searing pain can eventually be replaced by "pieces of grief" that can pop up from time-to-time, especially around the anniversary of the death or the birthday of the deceased.
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