What Makes Change so Difficult?

SESSION GOALS:

• To introduce and define the concept of 'resistance.'
• To explain the reasons for resistance.
• To explore possible means of dealing with a person's resistance to change; intervention strategies that help people move beyond their reluctance to change.

A POETIC INTERLUDE:

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

The poet says it very well. Self-defeating behavior persists. Time after time, people repeat behaviors that will bring about hurt, frustration, dissatisfaction, and a loss of self esteem. We have all known people who have a knack for entering relationships with people who are likely to hurt and disappoint them. It seems that as soon as they get themselves out of one "hurtful" relationship, they set out to begin another. Often they seem to be doing it with their eyes wide open, knowing full well that the seemingly new relationship is really a carbon copy of an old, destructive one. To the observer, it makes no sense at all. The behavior is clearly maladaptive. It should be stopped and the person should move on to more satisfying and mutually agreeable relationships.

SOME KEY COMPONENTS:

• "I AM HELPLESS" -- The firm belief that I can't do anything about my situation is a powerful preventative to change. If you haven't got the power, there is nothing you can do about your situation. Seeing yourself as "helpless" insures paralysis. Seeing yourself as "helpless" can provide a powerful rationale for doing nothing.

• "IT ISN'T MY FAULT" -- I'm not responsible for this misfortune. I had nothing do with it. I'm the victim. It all happens to me. This point of view is a powerful inhibitor of action. It allows for all responsibility to be denied. As long as it isn't your fault there is nothing in your behavior you have to look at or understand.

• "I PRETEND..." -- The need to believe that things have changed is very strong and it sometimes takes the place of the effort required to bring about the desired change. Pretending is a way not seeing, of denying parts of reality that are unpleasant and unsatisfying. People who have pretended that things have changed are likely to say "I can't believe it happened again..." when the pretense fails and the old, self-defeating situation replays itself again.

THE PAST REVISITED:

The journey from infancy to adulthood is the process known as socialization. Parents and society attempt to transform the unwary newcomer into an individual who will fit into the prescribed roles to function adaptively in our world. It is in this transformation process that maladaptive behavior patterns can be learned and entrenched.

SOME KEY POINTS:

1. Things that are learned early in life are the hardest to change or unlearn. Early conceptions of the world, even if lost to consciousness, remain a part of our memory and may influence our behaviors in some very interesting ways.
2. Children attempt to explain and make sense of their world in terms of their experience. By the very nature of their limited number of years, their experience is not very wide or deep. Their interpretations of the world, why things happen, is extremely limited and often very inaccurate. Nevertheless, these early interpretations are often the groundwork upon which later, more accurate and sophisticated explanations are based.
3. Exposed to poor or destructive parenting, a child is likely to explain the mistreatment as being deserved due to some lack, deficit or badness within him/herself. In other words, if someone has to be the bad or undeserving, the child is inclined to take the negative self view on him/herself. In this way a child protects his parents; they are kept perfect. It is not that the child has bad parents; instead he or she becomes the bad child who gets just what he or she deserves.
4. People seem to have a need to repeat unrewarding situations in the present that are remarkably similar to unhappy situations and relationships that occurred in their childhood. It is as if they are trying, over an over again, to recreate a painful experience from childhood, but, this time, have it work out better. The attempt is to undo a painful history by redoing it successfully in the present.
5. While one part of the personality seems to be actively engaged in trying to redo the past in a more favorable or successful manner, another part seems determined to make sure that the present turns out exactly the same as the past. This is certainly a more difficult motive to understand since it seems designed to continue a painful, frustrating, even self-defeating situation.
6. Who we are, our sense of self is a product of all the experiences that have impinged upon us. Every time we say "I am good at writing," or "I can't play tennis," or "I am not very good at arithmetic," or "Athletics are really my great strength" we are making a statement about some aspect or ourself, our identity. Over the years, we add to and modify parts of that identity. The process goes on without our having to give it much thought. Often, discovering who we are becomes a complicated process of reviewing influences that have had an impact without our realizing it. Sometimes, the review process--the getting to know ourselves--holds some very real surprises as well as confrontation with some real contradictions that exist within our personality.

A KEY PSYCHOLOGICAL CONCEPT: AMBIVALENCE

Everyone has had the experience of owning a favorite pair of shoes or a sweater or some other article of clothing that has gathered comfortable associations over time. Time and wear have usually taken their toll on these articles, but despite the holes or frayed edges or other signs of disrepair, they remain special. They are known quantities; old friends whose presence makes us feel a bit more comfortable in our world. Good sense often dictates replacement of these tired clothes with new ones. Something inside rebels at the thought of parting with that "special sweater." And if a new sweater is purchased, it is highly probable that the "old one" retains its special place in the drawer. It is not discarded in favor of it fashionable replacement.

Perhaps it is human nature to become accustomed and comfortable with the well worn and the well known. Habit requires no special effort or special thought. It is there. Even when it is less than perfect it is more certain than some substitute might be. Change requires a period of adjustment, a break in period before this new thing feels like your own. And who knows if it will be as good as the ones you've thrown away. Something new always implies a gamble, a risk. Who knows if the new purchase or a new behavior will ever feel as familiar as what has been given up.

Psychological change is similar to giving up a pair of well worn slippers for a brand new pair. The new pair obviously look better, they may even keep your feet warmer but will they ever provide the familiar support that was vested in the old ones.

This is a part of the dilemma faced by the person who seeks psychological assistance. Certain feelings, attitudes, methods of solving problems, self-views, thoughts are being considered for the discard pile. Habitual ways of dealing with the world seem no longer to be effective or are so self-defeating that the person feels that there is no choice but to "change." Usually, if there were any other than change, it would be chosen. Thus, people seek assistance at a time when they are in pain because old strategies for problem solving are not working. But, there is no way of knowing for sure if the "new strategies" will prove better and more effective than the ones that have been grudgingly relinquished.

KEY TO UNDERSTANDING:

Psychological change implies the revision of personal identity. It is as if we were about to remodel a house from the basement up. A person's identity is the foundation of his personality. To remodel that identity is to shake the personality to its core. To carry the remodeling metaphor a bit further, most of us would prefer some simple cosmetic changes rather than a remodeling that would be costly, lengthy, and very disruptive to our lives.

Imagine how disruptive it must be to a person who has crystallized an identity as a "loser/victim" to begin to experience himself differently. This is a person whose deep self view portrays him as a "second class citizen." He is entitled only to the crumbs that life has to offer, if he is entitled to anything at all. Disappointment is the cornerstone of his life. While painful, always getting less than what he hoped for feels internally correct. He may complain about his lot in life, but for the most part, he has adjusted to this self-view and has learned how to live within its limits. Being a "loser" is a central construct to his personality organization. To change that view--no matter how desirable it might seem--would mean shaking every aspect of his personality that is built or dependent upon that central core view. While the long term goal of change would hopefully produce a modified personality with an increased capacity for self-fulfillment, the process leading to that goal would indeed be painful. Understanding how disruptive and agonizing change can be helpful to us in understanding why real change takes such a long time. It can also help us understand why people say "I have finally gotten what I have always wanted and I don't know what to do with it" or "Having my needs met really scares me. I don't know how to handle being treated like a person." Becoming a "winner" after a lifetime as a "loser" may look like a story book fantasy come true. In reality, however, it is the product of an agonizing labor over a long period of time.

IN HOTLINE WORK:

Nevertheless, understanding resistance helps us to understand why certain behaviors have been so enduring when by all logical standards they ought to have been discarded eons ago. It also provides some understanding of why the people who call us often seem to struggle to maintain their self-defeating behavior in the face of the help we have to offer. In some ways, it is useful to think of any phone call as between three people instead of two. The liner, the side of the caller that is looking for constructive change, and the side of the caller that is fighting desperately to remain exactly the same.

While it is unlikely that a brief intervention is going to markedly effect resistance, it is still important to address this psychological state when we recognize it. The following are some examples of phrases that may prove useful when you meet a caller's resistance on the phone.

"As I listen to what you're saying, I begin to hear a pattern. It is as if you've been repeating the same thing over and over again. How do you understand that?"

"You seem to see yourself as a (victim, bad guy, loser, second class citizen, unwanted child, etc.). How did that self view come to be?"

"I get the feeling that as bad as being a (victim, bad guy, etc.) is for you, you get something out it as well. What are the payoffs for that position?"

"You seem to sabotage yourself every time you begin to get what you want. Why is that?"

"You really seem much more comfortable with doing what you've always done. That's more familiar. When you try something new, you seem to be frightened. Why is that?"

"You're really saying you're afraid to change. Tell me about that."

"Staying the way you've always been is easier even if it gets you into trouble sometimes."

"I guess you have a sense of what its going to take to change and you're not so sure you want to do all that."

"You really want to prove that I can't help. Then you can sort of sit back and say 'Well, I tried. Nobody could help me'."

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